Struggles with loneliness. The Mum, the baby and the invisibility cloak.

Mental Health

When you deal with any form of mental anxiety, be it anxiety itself, depression, or like me, borderline personality disorder, the thought of being alone or being seen differently, almost an outcast when you become a parent is the most terrifying thing on earth, to some even more terrifying than the birth itself.

I remember the moment we announced that we were pregnant, after losing the first Smith I felt like I was in a very empty bubble. And then suddenly this one announcement changed everything. I was so terrified that we would suddenly become outcasts, that I would be seen as an outcast, that feeling of “She is a Mother now she won’t want to come out”. “She has a baby now she can’t come out”. But we received messages, and better still we were going out still, still socialising, still having fun, I was still me just with a carry on. Life was great I thought. Borderline disorder who? Loneliness who?

And then suddenly, 9 months later, everything changed again. Everyone wanted to hold the baby, but what about the Mum? What about ME? I wasn’t known as Nikki anymore I was Reggie’s Mum. A wonderful promotion do not get me wrong, but one of the struggles with Motherhood is coping with the changes that come with it, one of them, is the feeling of being invisible, of being forgotten.

“Nothing really changes for the Father but everything changes for us”

Because now we are Mum and Dad, those nights in with friends, changed, the nights out down the pub, invites to let our hair down, non existent almost. Are we really that different that all of that has changed? Struggling with the changes of hormones, body changes and hoovering a million times a day and picking toys up off the floor is one thing, but to feel forgotten after having a child, it is like we have gone from Bump, to Mum to holding the invisibility cloak all at once.

But in all honesty, nothing really changes for the Father, but everything changes for us. I have had so many women come to me and say how lonely they feel now since having children because their partner can still LEAVE. They get to leave the house every day for work, they come home and ask what’s for dinner. We looking after the children, then tackle the housework and then have the joy of looking after a man child at the end of the day. Then the weekends come and the men still go out as if we are completely invisible, and where are we left…

“It is a very lonely world sometimes being a Mother”

“Everyone wants to hold the Baby, but what about the Mum”

I do not know about anyone else, but the reason I started this journey was to help others who felt what I felt but then felt they could not share it. But I will. I feel completely lost most of the time. I do not feel like me, I feel like we have been forgotten, you become a parent and life as you know it, your identity, it’s no longer yours.

And I want to know WHY.

I chose to become a Mother, I did not chose to change, or be forgotten. I chose to lead a new life, but I did not choose to leave my old one behind. I still laugh, cry, love, hate, get angry, drink, sing and dance as best as the next person who has not pushed a child out and can laugh without pissing themselves. I am still me, yes we get knackered more easily and sometimes our plans can and will change but your priorities change, not your life as a whole.

“The only thing that has changed is my body armour, I am still me”

To the women and even men out there reading this, whoever you are. If you feel lost, get out there and show them you are still there. If you feel forgotten then make sure you change that so they never forget you. And if you are struggling with the changes, with the struggles, then remember WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. Our title may have changed, but we are all still here, with the same burning for a Gin on a Friday night, to wanting a moment out and away from work and looking after families. We are still here. The only thing that has changed is our body armour, we are still US.


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