A lot of people have asked what my blogs are about and the answer is, everything. I wanted to create a blog that would relate to everyone out there who was battling with something in their lives and thought if there was somewhere out there that they could go to to get away from real life and hear someone elses problems and experiences it would help them with their own.

So here it is, my blog “The M Word”. About everything, Motherhood, Motivation, Mental Health, Money, you name it it’s in here. And I wanted to share my experiences to help others, kind of a laugh at my pain blog.

So, here’s the first bit, “ME”…first of all, remember that it’s ok not to be okay, and it’s ok if you wake up some mornings and don’t feel like getting out of bed, it’s ok if you feel like having a cry, or even if you’re sat at work or the kids are crying and you think “I’ve had enough” it’s ok. Don’t ever feel bad for being human, don’t ever feel bad for having feelings and emotions, even the men, it’s OKAY.

My journey started about fourteen years ago, I was thirteen and at the point hormones were the in thing and everyone had them, but mine were a battle from the word go, after losing a very dear and amazing family member I took a downward spiral into a very dark lifestyle and throughout my teenage years I struggled with depression and even a small personality disorder, where I would try and live as a completely different person to try and hide the fact that my life was not what I wanted it to be. I attempted suicide twice at the age of nineteen and felt that I just couldn’t carry on.

I went through bad relationships, I went through bad times, I took the “happy pills” on four different occassions over a six year span and moved to several cities thinking a fresh start would be a fresh scene to set myself up on, but it didn’t work.

The final slap to the face was this year aged twenty six, living with the love of my life, just beaten depression and we had found out in the summer that we were expecting our first baby….but that wasn’t the case, at all.

August this year Baby Bambino decided to take a vacation and vacate the premises, and it was the hardest thing I think out of everything I have had to face, staring an empty screen where our baby should have been felt like my heart had been ripped out o my chest and a “Failed” sign had been put there instead.

So why now you might ask….well, why not? I have suffered a lifetime of emotional rollercoasters, money problems, career choices and fitness fads and fails. And now it’s time to share my experiences to help others know whatever it is you are going through, no matter how dark the tunnel might feel, no matter how dark your thoughts are and if you are out there and youo’re desperate for a family of your own and want that job, and you want that body, I am here to tell you that it is ok.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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To Be Or Not To Be…

“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes”

Moms Blog

I thought it would be good to focus one of the M Words “Motherhood”. The word Motherhood is a word can bring joy to most of us and also pain to the rest. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, some women who are already Mums can suffer pain, it might be the pain that you feel trapped, lost and you constantly feel like you’re a failure, that’s OKAY, it’s OK to feel like that, it’s a tiring a job! It’s tiring, mentally, emotionally and psychically as well, and some people will never understand and some people will, but nevertheless it’s YOUR body and YOUR life, and YOUR family every family and person is DIFFERENT.

To all the Mothers and Fathers out there, I salute you, you’re doing an amazing job.

There also those who aren’t Mothers or Fathers for that fact and also feel those EXACT feelings. That’s ok too! Those who have been trying for years to fall pregnant and it hasn’t happened yet, those who are spending every penny on IVF just to have that little gap in their heart filled also feel like that and that’s ok guys, it is. Those who have been through a loss at no matter what stage and you feel like that, it’s OKAY. If I have learnt anything from this experience, IT’S OKAY!

Me and my fiance had that exact feeling this week, we randomly took a test which after days of waiting like contestants on the Price is bloody Right found out it was negative, and BOOM you’re straight back to Square 1 again. “Will it happen” “Will it EVER happen again” “What should I be doing differently” and the truth is there is actually nothing you can do, although you are in your own body, that doesn’t actually mean you control it, sorry. We have been trying and still carrying on as normal and it hasn’t made a difference, the truth is you just have to be patient and tell yourself “IT WILL HAPPEN”.

I was told an amazing piece of advice by a family friend recently, and it has stuck with me since. When you hit that wall, be it your child is screaming in the middle of an isle for no reason, just think “IT WILL PASS”, when you’re in labour and you think you can’t handle this pain anymore and you’re screaming at your partner “YOU DID THIS TO ME” just think to yourself “IT WILL PASS” and when you’re sat in the waiting room, be it to find out if you are pregnant or it you’re waiting for the IVF results or if you have been “approved” to adopt your future child just think whatever it is that you are feeling and that feeling in your stomach that sinks to your ass just think “IT WILL PASS” every bad feeling, angry feeling, frustrated feeling, it will pass I promise.

So, take away from this blog today that whatever you’re feeling at this precise moment, I can guarantee that there are millions of others around the world all feeling that exact feeling as well, so take a deep breathe and remember you are not alone. We are all in this together and no matter where you are at in your life, every day is a new day and every day is a new beginning to a new adventure.